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The Beautiful Truth About Online Dating | Arum Kang & Dawoon Kang | TEDxUCDavisSF

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Arum & Dawoon Kang teach us about the truth about online dating. No longer are we looking for significant others in the traditional avenue. We need to understand the fine points about the other venues we are using, online dating. Arum loves being in the consumer space. She has experience working at Avon Products as well as Amazon, leading efforts to understand consumer needs and behavior to deliver superior product experiences. After graduating from Harvard Business School, Arum is excited to start a business that leverages technology to bring something truly valuable to consumers. After wandering around for years trying to find her passion, Dawoon is happy to be finally working on a matter close to her heart, with & for people she loves! Prior to CMB, she lived & worked in Korea, Japan, New York, India & Hong Kong, in a variety of roles that spanned from strategy & business development, marketing, research to investing/finance. She is a proud graduate of Stanford Graduate School of Business. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
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Text Comments (576)
NewYear (3 days ago)
Online dating apps are joke. You sign up and pay and still don't get to message the accounts.
saramations (3 days ago)
The other thing about online dating is that there a lot of fake profiles too. Over the seas people trying to rip you off- be careful. 😩
Pavement Pounder (4 days ago)
Why does she pronounce women as 'woman?'
Alex Moon (7 days ago)
I guess I'm the exception to the rule because for 8 years trying online dating, my profiles were always detailed and yet my profiles always seemed to get ignored, so yes I myself think online dating sucks. It really is just about wallet depth and looks.
gigihonee (6 days ago)
My thought is that people are lazy and don't want to read. Before I saw this video my idea was to write a detailed profile. Not sure why women are only interested in money. I can understand why men steer towards looks. As for financial status, it is more attractive when a man is frugal and manages his money, whatever the amount, responsibly. Men with money can be terrible with their finances. My financial criteria is that a man should have no debt - unless it's a house or student loans. If he has significant debt, which happens, then no marriage, or he has to sign a prenup.
Dave (7 days ago)
Nothing to see, here, folks. Move on. What a waste of time.
Jennifer Silves (14 days ago)
I’m 44 and most of the men who hit me up are in their twenties.
Pool-Aid (28 days ago)
Jump to 6:00 for the actual data lol
Mark Menning (1 month ago)
I admit men are idiots
tubularbill (1 month ago)
Online dating is only about looks. Totally.
Nigel Legall (1 month ago)
Her findings have already been found out documented and at the core of Men and women true basic nature. If you want to meet a partner join social groups Gym, Walking etc. start with something in common. and Go MGTOW ha
Pan-Wakka (1 month ago)
tristan flodin (1 month ago)
Why do engineers get so few likes?
IDK, this all kind of just seemed like a long-winded, drawn-out ad to me—but we can agree to disagree.
emanuelgoldstein1984 (1 month ago)
The truth is it sucks even if you do get a date. Think about it — meeting people in real life is a challenge for these people. Why? And if you’re a dude no woman should have a hard time meeting men in real life so let that be a warning
Tremain W (1 month ago)
I tried online dating once, it didn't work. So I tried it again, and before I knew it - I ended up married, middle aged and with more in number than we had - when we met. Now what do we do!??? When everyone swore "online dating didn't work", there was no way I was expecting all this, as an outcome!
Janice Sal (1 month ago)
Online Dating is an instant open door that requires patience in waiting for the right one for you!
PHILIP WATSON 5 (1 month ago)
uglyblokeonabike (1 month ago)
Forget men women only go for looks and money!
Mila_Diaz (1 month ago)
Yeah but that's not only online that's offline too. Both genders are shallow online or off. Also online dating is hookups not long term.
Priyanka Ghosh (1 month ago)
So, here is a harsh reality of dating and life. We start dating to find a friend, a companion, a lover in a person... But as any relationship gets serious and gearing towards marriage, finance do come into play as you both start managing your money together and eventually when you raise kids it's more important to manage money wisely. In my personal opinion a man and a woman should equally contribute to household. But there might be many people, who would stay at home for better upbringing of their children and since it's many a times woman's decision to do so, they naturally tend to seek men with higher income. This is my personal opinion and in no way intend to clash with people's personal opinion.
DDrummer (2 months ago)
I don't like younger women. I'm a young man that likes older women. But not too, too old.
DRS_ au (2 months ago)
Men pay and women toss away.
Ara Cho Art (2 months ago)
There are girls who are attracted to nerdines and intelligence!!
CrimsonHazmat (2 months ago)
None near me...
Jacob B. (2 months ago)
If you put their names together it means beautiful in Korean... Arum Dawoon (아름다운)
Sanketh Shetty (2 months ago)
how dare you put labels on people "creep" being a neutral 3rd party service
Bruce Salem (3 months ago)
I have seen these sites that allow men to go look at profiles but ask you immediately to upgrade to premium account on a graduated scale that begins at six months of access for a lump sum of $100 dollars, on up. I refuse to pay, so I get to lurk. Do the women pay to post their profiles, photos, and send out messages? Do they have to invest upfront? I am trying to get myself dropped by these sites. A couple have let me delete my account, but I fear that I am going to have to endure spam for years now. These dating sites must be run by organized crime out of places like NYC, and it would take the FTC to put s stop to the scams.
George Tselikis (3 months ago)
So many people in this world yet so many lonely people.
Jessica Faltynski (3 months ago)
Can you help me get better at it? I just like hot and gorgeous men with good behavior skills
Ramir Enriquez (3 months ago)
also realized that people who go for online dating seem to get bored quite easily and would think they could do better and look for a new one immediately. When the spark is gone, when reality strikes in again, they go for a new one to go back to that honeymoon phase. Unfortunately, we're moving to this direction whether we like it or not but I also believe that there are more pleasing people somewhere who also choose to stay out of online dating so not all of the people in your app are your left options in real life.
MarcelDupond75 (3 months ago)
Personally had a lot of success in real life, but way less online. That's simply a law of supply and demand, ECO 101. In real life, and assuming a balanced location (ie not the silicon valley), the supply and demand for men and women is pretty equal. Therefore, on average, a 6 will get a 6 and a 9 will get a 9. Online, the equilibrium point is very different. The demand for guys is lower due to women's higher standards than men. The demand for girls gets higher. The supply of women drops compared to men due to the fact that there are more men than women on dating sites. (2x more on Tinder). The result is a shortage of women and a surplus of men for a shifted equilibrium point to the right, where women become more valuable. In this new market, an 8, man would get a 6, women for instance. So if you're a dude just don't waste your time on a saturated market. There are plenty of places with a reverse logic! ;)
ericn Quinn (3 months ago)
I have a crazy idea. How about "don't do online dating". Especially if you're a man.
gustavo candelaria (3 months ago)
How cool is it to see two unattractive women judging men who have no interest in them? These guys fall just for pretty young women, they are creepies. Lol
the moon (3 months ago)
heres the truth: theres nothing beautiful about online dating
Tracie Jones (3 months ago)
I never reality the bs about how beautiful I am, etc, etc... I have beautiful friends, I am 5 foot, slim, and cute is the word:))).... I met my last partner online and we were together for 7 years, too bad he is a narcissist, a lot of narcissist are online. I say hello and actually talk and all the ones saying all the right things, I don't believe. I usually don't use very many words on my profiles, and I do not have a long list of what is perfect for me, I still don't know.,.my texts get longer any longer
dantezco (3 months ago)
Is the threshold of creepiness "half plus seven"?
Adam Nes (3 months ago)
Social media and dating apps have totally devalued men! Girls have too many options and their expectations are way too high. All the Young girls follow Kim Kardashian who are brought up with an entitlement mentality, just another tool for girls too get validation but because they are so insecure they don’t have the confidence to date. And that’s the sad truth! And don’t even get me started on the animated filters they post up for their dating profiles with quotes such as ‘ I want a real man who isn’t fake’ these girls are so deluded it’s scary
Elissa (16 days ago)
The "too many options" issue supposedly goes both ways- and yet almost no one is making positive long-term connections anymore. They think that they can keep swiping forever. Also- you think men have it tough- but an educated self-sufficient woman in her 30s has extreme difficulty in finding an "equal." More women are going to college, getting advanced degrees and so forth- the men just aren't keeping up.
Tara Bird (4 months ago)
As a woman, I get swamped with messages from men. I don't have enough time in the day to go through every message. It just gets more and more confusion.
Adam Fox (4 months ago)
So i opened up Tried my hardest Give all the love i can give Years go by.... Now what?
Corode713 (4 months ago)
Accelerated interaction = burnout
pa-ikollo (4 months ago)
ShenkelMcDoo (4 months ago)
Weren't they on Shark Tank?
Geniely Cruz (4 months ago)
Great talk. Love that everything was backed up with data. :)
Treestump (4 months ago)
Is it just me or are most of the people in the comments really sour.
Lucas Ngo (1 month ago)
I use cmb and have good dates although i get a dry spell of 2months but right now my date is a great girl
Treestump (2 months ago)
+CrimsonHazmat I'll try it in a few months and tell ya how it goes. You try dating with pretty severe SPD that keeps ya looking a bit like cousin it from the Adams family.
CrimsonHazmat (2 months ago)
Do you use dating apps, I'm sure not unless you would know what everyone is talking about
donald fewell (2 months ago)
We're a mix of sweet and sour, or just one or the other.
Minion Rocks (4 months ago)
OMG the audio is so bad. The hum, the echo, and the near feedback from that mic. I just can't listen to this, probably because I'm so annoyed with online dating.
John Mariani (4 months ago)
There's nothing beautiful about online dating. She left out some of the worst graphs that would illuminate how for 80% of men online dating is a waste of time. Online dating for men is cancer. For women who are even modestly attractive it's attention and validation. Her answer as someone making a living off it is basically spend more time and energy on this massive time sink.
Saiyan MGTOW (5 months ago)
I tried. I gave up. Now I'm mgtow and only want virgins.
Bogus Brains (5 months ago)
I go online dating sites out of boredom...I like the questions.
Steve Thomas (5 months ago)
I have been using online and mobile dating apps for collectively over 15 years by this point. I have next to no success and have only managed to get a handful of coffee dates. I have for the most part, always tried to put a fairly in depth and interesting profile description (some sites like OKcupid for example make it easier/better to do this with their templates) and only a few times have I ever been commented on my efforts. The plain fact of the matter is (at least how I've PERSONALLY seen and experienced this), is that it all boils down to "does your face fit?". That's it. Especially when it comes to (shi)Tinder and mobile dating apps. I see female profiles with zero information and maybe even only 1 or 2 pics. Yet I know just by default that they're getting message-bombed left and right. I do agree with the part about why some people are afraid or cautious to put anything more than some very arbitrary text either on their profile descriptions or the messages that they send. But I have spent so many countless hours collectively messaging women and taking a genuine interest to highlight certain traits they might want in a potential partner, for example, to just get nothing back. Or a perfunctory "Hi" and nothing else. Seriously?! The worst part of it all is that no matter how many times I throw my hands in the air and delete all my profiles and remove all the dating apps and swear down never to do that sh** again? Guess what? Loneliness and desperation comes knocking and I realise that seeing as trying to meet someone in real life CLEARLY isn't working for me, then I have to resort to trying online dating. Cue vicious cycle. And I know I'm not alone on this one...
Artem Morozov (5 months ago)
Men want youth and looks, women want $$$. Its all 🥩 🍖 market there
Gary Huang (5 months ago)
Online dating is for cucks
Randy Fricke (5 months ago)
The fact of the matter is, online dating sites give women the attention they crave. That's all it has ever been about. Sure people get lucky and make a connection, but online dating gives woman option overload. They get to feel their hypergamous oats to the max.
Adrian P (2 months ago)
she can indulge her hypergamous oats as much as she wants, but she's gonna taste my man porridge.
donald fewell (2 months ago)
What do you find threatening about women exploring their options of choice?
Randy Fricke (5 months ago)
I can tell you why men go for younger women. It's very simple actually. It's because when men are say, 21, a 19 year old woman looks hot, and 40 year old women (older women) look like they're 80 to a 21 year old male. But, when that 21 year old man hits 60, that "older woman" is now actually 80. And the 19 year old chick still looks hot. The Dawoon's bod is smokin'!
simon scowled (5 months ago)
Out of all the apps and sites I have used CMB has been the best one. you should a thoughtfully written out profile and the more pictures the better. Don't make me guess which person the profile belongs to. Also Have at least one full body picture, attraction is important The main problem is that people become too picky too choosy and end up with no one. Research suggests throwing out the list of what you want and instead choosing what you need. Meeting people offline is good because you can communicate better and easier and establish trust faster. The difficulty is actually meeting new people who happen to be single
Trautur Vandrar (5 months ago)
Never take dating advice from women. First rule of life.
Average men 5'10 LMAO
SuperQdaddy (5 months ago)
Allow..?..sorry but my experience with women in last 5 years..is poor communication..don't return calls or text...or have anything positive to say...
Moo Young Moon (5 months ago)
A lot of nut cases out there. Why would one "open" itself to random chaotic universe. The problems is western civilization left behind family, tradition and communities witch left them with kids without a strong stable foundation. Online dating is for confused lab rats.
Mark Campbell (5 months ago)
As someone who spent time on all major sites let me say BS. I wrote and re wrote my profile, and hardly even got responses. The few you do get you feel terrible bc you aren't into them but then go into a mental rant about how can you complain when you finally get one response, but why should you settle and realize that there probably isn't hope for you at all. With a response rate of maybe 2% MAYBE, I'd say unless you are Ryan Gossling or Scarlett Johanson like she says in the video, I'd stay far away from this stuff. It's nothing but a depressant
Davey Thacher (5 months ago)
Look its simple. Women want the unrealistic fantasy, an example would be height. (They want it as a form of validation of themselves.) There are two flavors: the fun guy and the hot guy. The rich guy is actually a flavor of the fun guy, should he be willing to use it. Women think they are hotter than they are. This is why the engineer is not interesting. While he has money and a future he is not hot or fun, so case closed. Look this is coming from a generation that believes in casual everything. Then when they start getting older or time to settle down they will go find one of those engineers they think they have trained/in reserve. (Aka friend zone) Only problem is men go after younger women, and men gain status with age, while old women lose it. (Look women are just as guilty of this as men are! The double standards are on both sides.) See the graph there is a wall at 30, 35, and 40. So if you think I was laughing when she started talking about profile content, you would be right. Online dating was a nice idea, but it forgot about people. People screw up everything eventually. Game theory also predicts most of this, it is not that hard.
classiccarz (5 months ago)
These two women are terrible presenters
Angry Buddhist (6 months ago)
I like women that can actually speak & pronunciate! Is this even a real TED Talk, or a biter woman feuding...?!
donald fewell (2 months ago)
pronounce bitter Proofreading matters.
Treestump (4 months ago)
It's an accent.
Nickel Mgtow (6 months ago)
Angry Buddhist Why not both?
Riri Airi (6 months ago)
She seems to have problems with singular/plural.
Korina ki (6 months ago)
Jesus... All that just to say that we have to write more words in their dating sites????
Korina ki (6 months ago)
I'm just lazy..
Radkon Psygami (6 months ago)
Please tell us more about yourself so that we can send your psychological profile to NSA and make some real money. Talking too much is not good. . .kills the mystery. . .an then there is the issue of it is ALWAYS better to meet women face to face and not online.
InChrist (6 months ago)
Threshold of creepiness? Everybody laughs ... Why are men always being attacked? There's a reason why men go for younger women. Older women tend to latch on to feminism, they've hit the wall, they're stuck in their ways and have ceased growing in there mindfulness, the list goes on! The fact that you said that girl was cute, the one with the fake profile, you just created vanity. All women are beautiful!
Life tobelived (5 months ago)
I think the threshold of creepiness can go both ways. To be honest I don't see any problem with a man or a woman being attracted to someone younger who is legal because we can find people younger and older than us attractive either physically or mentally. . On the other hand it doesn't necessarily mean a huge age gap is a great idea and it takes two people to be in agreement that they don't mind the age gap.
F Roy (6 months ago)
This is VERY good. Thank You.
aoflex (6 months ago)
Duh! I want children, so of course I prefer dating women below 30! Children of women older than ~27 have much higher rates of birth defects such as autism and fertility decreases rapidly. It's biology you idiots!
Treestump (4 months ago)
Autism is not a birth defect, it is a natural neurological difference. If you want children, older women can also give birth. Or adoption of course.
Tom Rich (6 months ago)
So obvious stuff like, "Don't eat the yellow snow" truth... yes, it is what you thought it was. "Don't step on the steamy mud"... yes, it is what you think it is. REALLY???
R R3 (6 months ago)
Why date?
Jim Hightower (6 months ago)
No "Threshold of Gold-Digger-ry" in the graph regarding women seeking men and income? Weird.
donald fewell (2 months ago)
avarice (gold diggery)
Twin Turbo (6 months ago)
Men like younger women because generally speaking after 30 women tend to hit the wall, what that means is that their looks start to decline.. especially Caucasian women.. that is a no brainier.
marie Krekora (6 months ago)
Online dating is only getting a glimpse of the person behind the photo, it's so very empty cyberspace.
Rutger (6 months ago)
Hmmm...where are the error bars in those graphs?
Aedan Alvena (6 months ago)
i have great, detailed profile, yet still my dating life is non-existent xD
Jocelyn Waters (6 months ago)
I thought was excellent!
Joshua Collins (7 months ago)
I meet my girlfriend on Filipino cupid. We are honest with each other and we lift each other up socially and mentality. I am not perfect but I believe in us.
jessabella77 (7 months ago)
I was about to reply at the beginning of this before they got into breaking down the data and say the people that are single are single because they aren’t truly open to the experience. I was really into someone for about a week and heavily exchanging messages back and forth. We set a date and I got all dressed up and then spent 2 hours waiting at the restaurant for them to show up. They then blocked me on everything. And of course I was hurt and I though I did something wrong even though just the night before we were laughing for hours on the phone. But they just weren’t ready. And two weeks later I met my now girlfriend and we’re now moving in together. Will it work out, I sure hope so but the important part is that we’re truly open with each other and to the relationship. Like things people usually hide for a while or permanently from a partner. And it’s been the best relationship I’ve had. And I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been dating off and on through online dating for 7 years. This is my third relationship started through it. And some might see that as a failure but I had a relationship for almost 4 years with someone that I met online. At a certain people things don’t work out because of the people not because of the way they met. It works if you want it to and you’re open and your standards are true to who you want to find. Just some food for thought if you’re struggling with finding someone. It may be awhile but don’t be afraid to be open.
James Adams (7 months ago)
My profiles use 1,400 characters, five times the mean they found for successful users. I haven't sparked attraction in anyone in ten years of using all of the big name online dating platforms. Something's missing from their data.
Washington Consultants (5 months ago)
Is there a pill I can take to grow 3" taller? No seriously, is there?
Treestump (4 months ago)
Sort of. You could have been taller if you took growth hormones as a child, but by the time you reach a certain age it would have no effect. You could also get one of those old head hanging machine things, that help with something else but did make people taller to
Washington Consultants (7 months ago)
Bull. Women who are older standards are too high. They never answer My messages
Rita Bates (7 months ago)
I feel I am attractive enough and have opened up on my profiles without getting overly lengthy, yet I never received the responses most women get. I stopped using online dating because I got tired of meeting duds, or worse. Every once in a while I will get an urge to try but only for a few days so never get to the point of actually meeting someone. It is just not for me and wasted too much time when I could be doing something fun or productive.
David Pierce (7 months ago)
Wtf is this info? I'm lost. A couples group?
Front Kick (7 months ago)
Online dating is symbolic of everything wrong with our culture. A real man does not need validation from a female. If you do it will cost you. Most women are parasites.
Riccardo Moretti (7 months ago)
Online dating for men is a waste of time and damages their ego
Amy Anderson (6 hours ago)
She said all the old men think they can get the young hot women. And they don’t want old men. Unless of course they have money
Amy Anderson (6 hours ago)
Men are the most superficial
Olivia H. W. (5 days ago)
Bitter much?
Mark Diorio (12 days ago)
+Qiyong Chen yes really. Unless the man is Mr. Professional, tall, dark and handsome, game over.
iAlexZhang (15 days ago)
Dela Flowers my replies are affiliated with my feelings of frustration every time I see a girl ignoring me as they pay attention only to their phone and text nonstop. Research finds out that women every month send around 3000 texts while men only send out about 2000. I would add the link here but out of I understand that it would be untrustworthy because you wouldn’t know if it’s safe or not. Better safe than sorry I always say.
Nevets556 (7 months ago)
Online dating sites are made for women, the men have to jump through hoops and meet all the standards the women want. Seriously have a woman and a man both sign up for eharmony or something, the women get to say all they want then the men have to match everything she wants!
noxie (7 months ago)
Her lisp is cute
Timothy N (7 months ago)
Seriously? No love for engineers? Sad times :,(
jasonasdecker (7 months ago)
On your age table also fertility rates of men and women by age and you will see the real reason.
jasonasdecker (7 months ago)
I use to have a long profile and wrote long letters BUT after years of that I stopped because I never heard back.
LaborHours (7 months ago)
They call it online dating, but there are no dates - only profiles. A dating website is probably the worst possible place to find a date.
A New Love Official (7 months ago)
There are pros and cons in an online dating but I'm very thankful for it because I've met someone who's really been a good match to me. At first I was so hesitant to the idea of meeting someone from the online world but I'm so glad it turns out well and didn't experience the negative side of it.
Claire D. (7 months ago)
time to optimize CMB profile ☺️
LA Turley (7 months ago)
I can open my mind to all people, but most do not return the same favor. I will never go back to online dating because too many people lie. No relationship of trust can start with lies.
Jeffrey Paasch (7 months ago)
I've tried "online dating" twice, and both times a had to have my bank CLOSE my card account at My expense to get Rid of the service from billing me because the damn things Wouldn't Shut Off after i was done with them. And i met several nice looking PICTURES speaking words to Play with my heart for (scam) money.
Nickel Mgtow (6 months ago)
Jeffrey Paasch Use a prepaid card ;)
Smells like teen Hitler (7 months ago)
Online dating is a loose term. Online attention seeking is more apt.
m mit (7 months ago)
sweet facts, the one thing that is great about online dating, is that you can date way more often and find that special person, I don't mind dating tons of women to find the right now
nico3641 (7 months ago)
The 2nd graph shows that even gold diggers have standards.
BlueAmethyst (7 months ago)
People who are a catch don't need online dating.
donald fewell (2 months ago)
Usually but not necessarily.
Goldboy Jr (5 months ago)
so def not you
Sarah Larson (7 months ago)
Brilliant! I love this
Patrick Pepin (7 months ago)
online dating is great for women but not for men

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